By R. Vee | Director of Influence
1. Write EXCLUSIVELY in red pen. Make absolutely no exceptions.
According to basic color theory, red is the color of extremes. Are you extremely passionate about your job? Of course you are. But if you take notes with a boring ol’ black pen, you’re only unlocking half of your mind’s potential. Grab a burgundy ballpoint and condition your brain to prioritize colorful content.
2. Dive into the world of aquascaping, head-first.
Himalayan Salt Lamps are out. There’s officially a better way to get the warm, pink glow of freshly ionized air – and all the good vibes that come with it. Pick up a guppy for your work cube, and feed it protein powder to increase the strength of its aura.
3. Wear extravagant hats to important meetings. The taller, the better.
According to a double-blind factorial experiment by me, clothing cues are the most effective way to make a good first impression. Assert your authority and emphasize your authentic personality by donning creative headgear at your next meeting. Think, for a moment, of great hat-wearers throughout history: Abe Lincoln, Cat in the Hat, The Wicked Witch of the West. 10/10 would pay attention during each of their slide decks.
4. Take three (3) 90-second micronaps during the work day.
The brightest ideas come from time spent in the dark. Some scientists say 20 minutes is the optimal length for an effective power nap. But here’s what Big Pillow™ doesn’t want you to know: you can boost memory and creativity with just 90 seconds of shut-eye. To ensure a full REM cycle, be sure to scout out a cool, dark sleep environment (like the industrial-strength dumpster behind your building). Sleep mask strongly advised.
5. Drink at least 40 fl oz of strawberry milk per week.
Moove over, coconut water. Berry-flavored milk is the new magical super-drink you’ve been living without for too long. Little known fact: strawberry milk has all the benefits* of antioxidant-loaded drinks like Matcha tea – but without the terrible stench and judgement from your coworkers. Try stocking the break-room fridge so your coworkers can dairy up, too.
* Research not yet started
If you read this far, congrats! You’ve got a better attention span than most Millennials. But it was all for naught – this whole post is rubbish. April Fools! (Your Facebook friends don’t know that yet, though.)